BREAKING NEWS...underage thinkers are arrested at a philosophy club

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14 year old prodigy Judy Hegel Ph.D. [USC graduate] is furious over the arrest.

"Philosophy Club Busted for Underage Thinking"

by

Amanda Damone

December 13th, 2013

The Quinnipiac Barnacle

Last night Hamden police arrested thirty members of Quinnipiac’s Philosophy Club–many of which are younger than 21–for underage thinking.

Neighbors reported “lively debates” and “intellectual stimulation” that “were delivered using calming tones in indoor voices,” and witnesses agree that the themes of the gathering were “too mature [for the students].”

“I’ve been living on Whitney Avenue for fifteen years, and the enforcement of underage thinking penalties has done nothing to slow the intellectual conversations down. These kids are thinking beyond their years, and they’re all going to wake up one morning to regret it,” warned a disgruntled neighbor.

Studies show a steep increase from 20% of kids who have tried thinking in high school to a whopping 60%; numbers officials deem “disconcerting, to say the least.”

“They should be chasing girls, stealing booze, and making fake IDs in their basements,” stated Hamden police officer John Teplitsky, giving a voice to the masses that fear the future of our nation in the hands of what many are calling the “generation of intellect.”

“Instead, they’re debating the validity of Thoreau and Rousseau’s theories from the enlightenment period,” Teplitsky continued, shaking his head in despair.

Hamden police have asked for tips on underage thinking parties and urge adults to help the cause by raising awareness in their communities on the dangers of teen cerebration.

“We don’t want any more accidents,” stated local woman Annette Steiger. “Two years ago, my son was intellectually wounded. He was always a good boy, so when the police told me it had been caused by underage thinking, my heart broke,” conceded Steiger.

According to a recent Quinnipiac poll, 99% of teen deaths are preventable, provided parents keep a vigilant eye on the amount of reasoning their children have access to.