X Minus One's "Man's Best Friend"...old time radio offering #19

As it appeared in the April 1955 issue of Galaxy Science Fiction magazine.

Wikipedia...

X Minus One was a half-hour science fiction radio drama series broadcast from April 24, 1955 to January 9, 1958 in various timeslots on NBC.

Initially a revival of NBC's Dimension X (1950–51), the first 15 episodes of X Minus One were new versions of Dimension X episodes, but the remainder were adaptations by NBC staff writers, including Ernest Kinoy and George Lefferts, of newly published science fiction stories by leading writers in the field, including Isaac Asimov, Ray Bradbury, Philip K. Dick, Robert A. Heinlein, Frederik Pohl and Theodore Sturgeon, along with some original scripts by Kinoy and Lefferts.

Included in the series were adaptations of Robert Sheckley's "Skulking Permit," Bradbury's "Mars Is Heaven," Heinlein's "Universe" and "The Green Hills of Earth", " Pohl’s "The Tunnel under the World," J. T. McIntosh’s "Hallucination Orbit," Fritz Leiber’s "A Pail of Air" and George Lefferts' "The Parade."

The program opened with announcer Fred Collins delivering the countdown, leading into the following introduction (although later shows were partnered with Galaxy Science Fiction rather than Astounding Science Fiction): (Some would argue the intro countdown should have stopped at X minus one. As it was, the show should have been called: "Fire" with the resolution of the countdown as aired.)

Countdown for blastoff... X minus five, four, three, two, X minus one... Fire! [Rocket launch SFX] From the far horizons of the unknown come transcribed tales of new dimensions in time and space. These are stories of the future; adventures in which you'll live in a million could-be years on a thousand may-be worlds. The National Broadcasting Company in cooperation with Street and Smith, publishers of Astounding Science Fiction presents... X Minus One.

The series was canceled after the 126th broadcast on January 9, 1958. However, the early 1970s brought a wave of nostalgia for old-time radio; a new experimental episode, "The Iron Chancellor" by Robert Silverberg, was created in 1973, but it failed to revive the series. NBC also tried broadcasting the old recordings, but their irregular once-monthly scheduling kept even devoted listeners from following the broadcasts. All episodes of the show survive.

This offering...

"Man's Best Friend"

In the 28th century, a reclusive man is chosen by a central computer to assassinate the Overlord and take his place. All of society is egging him on, including the Overlord himself-- but the computer has ulterior motives. Story by Evelyn Smith.

Original radio broadcast

Script...

X Minus 1

"Man's Best Friend"

April 24th, 1957

SOUND:

HIGH-PITCHED ELECTRONIC HUM ... JOINED BY ELECTRONIC BEEPING IN AGREEMENT WITH COUNTDOWN

ANNOUNCER:

Countdown for blast-off. X minus five, four, three, two. X minus one. Fire.

SOUND:

A MOMENT'S SILENCE ... THEN ROCKET SHIP BLASTS OFF

MUSIC:

BUILDS VERTIGINOUSLY TO A CLIMAX ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

From the far horizons of the unknown come tales of new dimensions in time and space. These are stories of the future, adventures in which you'll live in a million could-be years on a thousand maybe worlds. The National Broadcasting Company, in cooperation with Galaxy Science Fiction Magazine, presents -- (HEAVY ECHO) X Minus One!

MUSIC:

TO A CLIMAX ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Tonight, we take you some eight hundred years into the future to meet "Man's Best Friend."

MUSIC:

FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... FADES OUT BEHIND--

SOUND:

BEEP! BEEP! OF ANNUNCIATOR

SCHNEE:

(HIS MEDITATION INTERRUPTED) Well, what's the matter? Who's there? What--?

SOUND:

BEEP! BEEP! OF ANNUNCIATOR

SCHNEE:

(REALIZES, TO HIMSELF) Oh. Turn on the Annunciator. (CALLS) All right, I'm coming!

SOUND:

BEEP! BEEP! OF ANNUNCIATOR

SCHNEE:

I'm coming.

SOUND:

CLICK! OF SWITCH

SCHNEE:

(BEAT, ANNOYED) Well, stand in front of the screen. I can't see you.

FLOREA:

(FILTER) I am in front of the screen, Mr. Schnee. You haven't turned up the viewing control.

SCHNEE:

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, uh, there you are. (BEAT, WARY) Do I know you?

FLOREA:

(FILTER) May I be the first to congratulate you, Mr. Schnee?

SCHNEE:

You may indeed. What for?

FLOREA:

(FILTER) Oh, you haven't heard the news? Good. Then I shall be the first. I imagine I got a head start on the others because of my superior facilities for locating you. Your address wasn't given. These pronouncements do tend to be a bit vague. It's a matter of tradition, I suppose.

SCHNEE:

I haven't heard any news for days. I've been listening to my sound-tapes and, uh -- (CHUCKLES) -- and meditating. Wait a minute; I'll let ya in.

SOUND:

CLICK! OF SWITCH ... THEN THREE CLICKS OF ANOTHER SWITCH

SCHNEE:

(DISAPPOINTED, TO HIMSELF) Oh. Oh, the autobursar must have forgotten to pay the door bill; have to open it manually. (CALLS) Uh, just a minute.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

SCHNEE:

All right, you can come in now.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

FLOREA:

Well, I suppose you don't know who I am.

SCHNEE:

Well, you're wearing the uniform of an upper echelon salesman. I just wanted to warn you, nobody can force me to buy anything; I'm a free citizen.

FLOREA:

Oh, now, come, Mr. Schnee--

SCHNEE:

I suppose the big news is I'm the lucky householder to whom the Little Gem Room Expander will first be offered.

FLOREA:

(LAUGHS) Nothing of the sort! I'm not a common salesman.

SCHNEE:

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't notice your Merchant Prince badge. (CHUCKLES) Come in. Have a chair. No, no. No, not that one. It's my Meditator; it's still running.

FLOREA:

Oh, thank you.

SCHNEE:

(BEAT) Well?

FLOREA:

Mr. Schnee, our Prognosticator has just given its fortnightly prognostication. You are going to be our new ruler. Congratulations. I'm sure you'll be a splendid one, too.

SCHNEE:

But wait. Er, what's to become of the old ruler?

FLOREA:

You're scheduled to dispose of him sometime this month. Now, Mr. Schnee, allow me to introduce myself. I am Bedrich Florea, vice president of the Munitions and Container Corporation. Here, I have our latest model in this case right here.

SOUND:

CASE OPENS

FLOREA:

There we are. Beautiful, isn't it?

SCHNEE:

Mm hm.

FLOREA:

Now, if you will only agree to shoot Overlord Kipp with a Florea Semper Fidelis Gun, my corporation will be happy to place a substantial amount of credit at your disposal in any bank you choose. Six billion, to be exact. Now, if you'll just sign here on the dotted line--

SCHNEE:

Nonsense.

FLOREA:

Oh, come now, Mr. Schnee. Even a ruler can use money -- bribery for government officials, bread and circuses for the people. Oh, money's a very useful commodity, Mr. Schnee. (LOW) Shall we say, uh -- seven billion?

SCHNEE:

I don't doubt that money is useful. But when I said "nonsense," I meant the Prognosticator.

FLOREA:

(CONFUSED) Mr. Schnee--?

SCHNEE:

(CONTEMPTUOUS) The whole thing is a lot of-- Well, nonsense. A whole planet of supposedly intelligent people listening to what's really more, uh -- an oracle! A machine can't read the future; it's impossible!

FLOREA:

(NERVOUS) Oh, dear, dear, dear, Mr. Schnee! That's sacrilege. You can't talk-- Confound it, sir, you can't talk that way about The Machine! Listen, after all, let's - let's look at this reasonably. Machines can and do answer all the problems of our daily life. So why shouldn't a superior machine be able to tell the future?

SCHNEE:

If you ask me, behind the wires and gimmicks and whatnots of The Machine, there's a secret room in which a half-mad, half-intoxicated old priestess sits delivering her Delphic pronouncements. Might as well have an aboveboard oracle and be done with it.

FLOREA:

Now, now, Mr. Schnee, even our ruler shouldn't flout the Authority of Machinery. Of course, it's all right when you're alone with friends, like me, but in public, you shouldn't--

SOUND:

BEEP! OF ANNUNCIATOR

JOURNALIST:

(FILTER) Mr. Schnee, I'm from the Daily Disseminator. How does it feel to be Ruler Prognosticate? Perhaps you'd tell us in your own words!

SOUND:

CLICK! OF SWITCH ... WHICH TURNS OFF THE ANNUNCIATOR

SCHNEE:

(ANNOYED) Oh, that's what I get for leaving the Annunciator on.

SOUND:

CHIME! OF COMMUNITID, SIGNALING A PHONE CALL

FLOREA:

There's your Communitid.

SCHNEE:

All right, all right, I'll answer it.

SOUND:

CLICK! OF SWITCH

SCHNEE:

Hello?

KIPP:

(FILTER) Mr. Schnee?

SCHNEE:

Yeah.

KIPP:

(FILTER) I'm Overlord Kipp. I, uh, understand you are the young man who is destined to dispose of me and take my place.

SCHNEE:

Well, honestly, Your Honorship, I haven't the slightest intention--

KIPP:

(FILTER) You'll make it swift and painless, won't you? Suppose you come around to the Palace around one o'clock or so. We can have a bite of lunch and discuss the matter together. After all, I think you'd agree that I have been a reasonably good ruler, so I have the right to die with dignity.

SCHNEE:

Oh, absolutely. No question of that. I - I think it's a very good idea having a chat about it first. It-- It is awkward to dispose of someone you haven't met previously.

KIPP:

(FILTER) Thank you, Mr. Schnee. I hope you'll find your successor as cooperative as yourself.

SOUND:

CHIME! OF OF COMMUNITID, SIGNALING END OF CALL

SCHNEE:

Hmmm. I wonder whether he wants me to make an appointment so he'll have a band of counter-assassins ready to kill me. You know, that would save him the expense of a stand-by guard. He's pretty tight, you know.

FLOREA:

He wouldn't dream of doing anything of the sort. Overlord Kipp knows what's due his position. He has a sense of duty and responsibility which, unfortunately, seems to be lacking in his successor -- if you'll excuse me speaking frankly. I am, of course, considerably older than you and so I feel--

SCHNEE:

It's quite all right. You may speak freely.

FLOREA:

Furthermore, if he had you killed, the people would probably give him a painful and lingering death for attempting to interfere with the course of destiny. Oh, by the way, speaking of the people, the polloi will probably be around to hail their new leader soon. You really should work up a few well-chosen words.

SCHNEE: Well, I'm not gonna do it. They can't make me kill him and take over and that is flat! I am not the administrative type; I never have been.

FLOREA:

Well, in that case, the people will probably kill you for attempting to interfere with fate. Have a cigar?

SCHNEE:

But I wouldn't have done anything.

FLOREA:

There are sins of o-mission as well as co-mmission. Come now, it's true a ruler's life expectancy isn't very long -- at least it hasn't been the last few reigns -- but it's longer than yours will be if you refuse to fulfill your destiny.

SCHNEE:

I wouldn't make a fit ruler. Consider my origins. I wouldn't tell this to anyone but you. I'm illegitimate. I don't even know who my father is.

FLOREA:

It's a wise child who knows his own father. And some of the most celebrated leaders in history have been illegitimate. Look at William the Conqueror, Alexander Hamilton--

SCHNEE:

I don't think that's too much of a recommendation.

FLOREA:

You see, almost anyone can be a leader. The important thing is that he be destined for leadership.

SCHNEE:

But I'm no good at it! Everybody says so! I've never done a thing in my life! My aged mother has had to work to support me!

FLOREA:

Well, it's time enough that you stood on your own two feet, my boy. Remember, destiny must take its course. Oh, excuse me -- I'm due on Radio Monitor in a few seconds. If you don't mind I'll broadcast from here. I'll just check my equipment here.

SOUND:

BEEPS AND BUZZES! OF RADIO EQUIPMENT

FLOREA:

Fine, fine. Now, here we go. (CLEARS THROAT, ORATES) My friends, allow me to introduce to you your new Ruler -- Gervase Schnee! He is planning to assassinate Overlord Kipp -- with a Florea Semper Fidelis Gun! Florea Semper Fidelis Guns retail from Credit two-point-ninety-eight, for the Peasant's Pistol, all [the way] up to Credit one-oh-eight-nine-point-ninety-eight, for the Super Deluxe Conspirator's Model. But each is the best obtainable for the price. Mr. Schnee will, of course, use the Super Deluxe model. And now I give you Mr. Schnee!

SCHNEE:

(AWKWARD, TO FLOREA) Uh, right into here?

FLOREA:

Hm? Oh, anywhere. It's non-directional.

SCHNEE:

Oh. (CLEARS THROAT, TRIES TO ORATE) Uh, thank you for your, uh-- For your confidence and support. I only hope I prove worthy of it. (BEAT, GIVES UP IN DISGUST) That's all.

FLOREA:

(ORATES) Thank you, Ruler-Prognosticate Gervase Schnee!

MUSIC:

BRIEF BRIDGE

KIPP:

Will you have some more wine, Mr. Schnee?

SCHNEE:

Oh, no, thank you, Overlord Kipp. I've had too much already.

KIPP:

It's a delightful vintage, isn't it? I think it was bought by Overlord Jasper about seven reigns ago. You'll find the cellar's in perfect order. I'll give you the inventory and the key a little later.

SCHNEE:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Uh, do we - do we have to talk about it?

KIPP:

Oh, well, one has to take these things as they come, you know. Here today, gone tomorrow. Uh, that reminds me. Uh, will tomorrow suit you?

SCHNEE:

Well, of course it really doesn't make any difference to me.

KIPP:

All right then, we'll set it for tomorrow if that's convenient for both of us. I, er, have the afternoon clear. We'll make a public announcement a little later.

SCHNEE:

Well -- all right. If you say so.

KIPP:

Why, of course. And, uh, now we can go into my study and discuss the details at our leisure. I have got half a box of some wonderful cigars left over. I think you'll enjoy them.

MUSIC:

OMINOUS BRIDGE

FLOREA:

Oh, Mr. Schnee--? Mr. Schnee, you aren't ready yet.

SCHNEE:

(WITH EFFORT) Well, I - I can't button the top button of this uniform.

FLOREA:

Ohhhh, isn't it handsome? Black and silver -- the traditional assassin's uniform.

SCHNEE:

Uh, it was made for me without charge by Hanson and Cruster -- uh, the tailors.

FLOREA:

Yes, of course, of course. It's the curse these days, you know -- the overcommercialization of important public functions. Oh, wait a minute, I have your pistol ready here. (GIGGLES) I'll bet you're excited. Couldn't sleep last night, eh?

SCHNEE:

No-- Well-- Yes, I did toss a bit.

FLOREA:

I see you're getting telegrams; isn't that nice? Had your breakfast?

SCHNEE:

Oh, well, I - I don't think I'm exactly in the mood for eating.

FLOREA:

Oh, you should, you know. A good breakfast makes good aim.

SCHNEE:

Well, I really couldn't eat a thing.

FLOREA:

Well, you'll have a fine lunch after it's all over. I saw your black-and-silver limousine at the door.

SCHNEE:

What? I don't have a black-and-silver limousine.

FLOREA:

You do now! (LAUGHS) Oh, yes. You know, there's going to be a brass band along. There'll be crowds cheering. Oh, it's such a lovely morning! You - you've hired two Removers, I trust?

SCHNEE:

Removers? Yes. Yes, I think so.

FLOREA:

Good. Oh, what pageantry! The black-and-silver limousine; yourself in your lovely uniform; the black cloak and hood of the Body Removers, sitting beside the chauffeurs, silent; the band playing the funeral march as you move down the boulevard; crowds cheering; little children, let out of school, presenting you with flowers; and television cameras--! Ohhhh, what a sight! What a sight! (MORE RESTRAINED) Well, now it's about ten-thirty. Shall we be off?

MUSIC:

FUNEREAL BRIDGE ... THEN IN BG

SOUND:

CROWD CHEERS ... SUBSIDES BY [X]

FLOREA:

Well, come on, come on. Get out of the car, Mr. Schnee.

SCHNEE:

I don't feel so good.

FLOREA:

Well, come on now, the television cameras are ready. [X] There we are. Just a moment. (CLEARS THROAT, ORATES ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Now, Ruler Prognosticate Schnee, allow me to load your Super Deluxe Conspirator's Florea Semper Fidelis Gun for you!

SCHNEE:

(LOW) It's already loaded.

FLOREA:

(LOW) I'm supposed to do it now, for the cameras.

SCHNEE:

(LOW, INSISTS) It's already loaded.

FLOREA:

(LOW) Permit me to check it, then?

SCHNEE:

(LOW) It's perfectly all right, I tell you. (NERVOUS) No, no. No, don't touch it. Um, uh-- (CLEARS THROAT, ORATES) Uh, nobody would have any difficulty loading a Semper Fidelis Gun!

FLOREA:

(STAMMERS) That's right. Yes, of course. (ORATES) Whether you buy the Peasant's or the Conspirator's model, both have the same free-loading mechanism!

VENDOR:

(YELLS) Here we are! Candy, popcorn, hashish, yoghurt! Buy your refreshments here! Program! Sometimes you can't tell the assassins from the corpse without a program! (MOVING OFF) Get your program for the program!

FLOREA:

All right, Schnee, it's time. Let's go.

MUSIC:

UP ... FOR A PORTENTOUS BRIDGE

KIPP:

(FRIENDLY) Well, here we are again, eh?

SCHNEE:

(ORATES) Uh, Overlord Kipp, I am officially here--

KIPP:

Well now, just a minute, old man. I have my speech, you know.

SCHNEE:

Your speech? Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Really.

KIPP:

Well, that's all right. (A GENTLE SPEECH) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, before the conclusion of this ceremony, I wish to remind you of a few important facts concerning my reign which comes to an end in just a few minutes. I call your attention to the budget of Twenty-Seven Eighty-Six. Eighty-three billion credits against an outgo of seventy-two billion-- (FADES OUT BEHIND--)

MUSIC:

BRIEF BRIDGE ... FOR A TEDIOUS POLITICAL SPEECH ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

KIPP:

(FINISHES SPEECH) -- not to mention the dam across the Balga River which was constructed three months short of the proposed five-year date at a cost of seventy-three billion. I thank you.

SOUND:

CROWD CHEERS

KIPP:

(WARMLY, TO SCHNEE) Well -- that's it, old man, huh?

SCHNEE:

(WEARY) Are you all done?

KIPP:

Why, uh, yes, I think I've covered everything. Well, goodbye and good luck, Overlord Schnee. Any time you're ready.

SCHNEE:

You mean now?

KIPP:

Well, come along, old man. The networks have only cleared an hour. There's a commercial program starting in three minutes. Get on with it.

SCHNEE:

Well, all right. Here goes.

SOUND:

THREE GUNSHOTS ... KIPP'S BODY COLLAPSES TO FLOOR ... CROWD CHEERS, CONTINUES IN BG

SCHNEE:

(LOUD, TO ALL) All right, all right! Everyone will now please leave while the Removers take over!

FLOREA:

But the television-- The cameras-- It's part of the ceremony. Why can't they televise the removal?

SCHNEE:

(LOUD, TO ALL) EVERYBODY LEAVE -- IMMEDIATELY!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... FOR A HASTILY DEPARTING CROWD

FLOREA:

They're all gone now, Overlord Schnee. Uh, perhaps--

SCHNEE:

You, too.

FLOREA:

But, after all--

SCHNEE:

Out! I want to meditate!

FLOREA:

(MOVING OFF) Well-- Very well. All right.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

SCHNEE:

(SIGHS) Alone at last. (URGENT) Kipp? Kipp? Overlord Kipp?

KIPP:

(EXHALES DEEPLY) Whew! I don't think I'd have been able to stay still much longer.

SCHNEE:

You all right?

KIPP:

Schnee, you're a good shot. That blank really stung. In a very tender spot, I might add.

SCHNEE:

Now, now -- no time for chatting. We've got to get this over in a hurry. Now comes the part where your friends will have to look like real Removers. I hope they can give it the professional touch.

MOORHOUSE:

Don't worry about us. We are real Removers. At least, both of us have participated in removals. I'll, uh, take off my hood.

SCHNEE:

But wait! Why, you're Overlord Moorhouse! I've seen you in pictures.

MOORHOUSE:

Mm hm.

SCHNEE:

(GASPS) And the other one! You're Shinnick! You died before I was born! That is, you were supposed to have died. Both of you were! Uh, Moorhouse was supposed to have killed you.

SHINNICK:

Well, we're not precisely dead. Only retired, you might say. The Prognosticator didn't say "had to be killed," you know. Just disposed of -- as Kipp undoubtedly pointed out to you in your little interview together.

KIPP:

Sorry, I couldn't tell you the truth, old man. But you might have changed your mind and given us away.

MOORHOUSE:

We've formed a little club of dead Overlords.

SHINNICK:

We're looking forward to the day when you join us, Overlord Schnee.

SCHNEE:

Well, you'd better hurry. If the four of us are discovered, the mob will tear us to pieces.

SHINNICK:

Oh, you're right. (TO KIPP) Get on this stretcher, Kipp. Bad enough we're going to have to carry you out. At least, don't expect us to lift you up.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SCHNEE:

Florea?

FLOREA:

Yes, Your Honorship?

SCHNEE:

The Prognosticator is right here in the palace, isn't it?

FLOREA:

Yes, Your Honorship.

SCHNEE:

Lead me to it immediately!

FLOREA:

Certainly, Your Honorship. It's this way.

MUSIC:

BRIEF BRIDGE ... FOR A TRIP TO THE MIGHTY PROGNOSTICATOR

SOUND:

BACKGROUND ... GIANT ANALOGUE COMPUTER CHIRPS, RATTLES AND BEEPS

FLOREA:

(PROUDLY) Here you are, Your Honorship. This is the Prognosticator -- twenty stories high, a hundred meters wide, the center of our entire civilization.

SCHNEE:

(MOODY) Leave me. I would be alone with the Prognosticator.

FLOREA:

But-- But, Your Honorship--

SCHNEE:

Leave me! And take all the technicians with you!

FLOREA:

Yes. Yes, Your Honorship.

MUSIC:

BRIEF BRIDGE

SOUND:

BACKGROUND ... GIANT ANALOGUE COMPUTER CHIRPS, RATTLES AND BEEPS

FLOREA:

You're all alone now, Your Honorship.

SCHNEE:

You, too. Leave me.

FLOREA:

(RELUCTANT) Well, yes. Yes, sir. Yes, Your Honorship. (MOVING OFF) Your wishes are my command.

SOUND:

OUTER DOOR CLOSES

SCHNEE:

(SATISFIED) Well.

SOUND:

SCHNEE'S FOOTSTEPS TO 1ST SQUEAKY DOOR WHICH OPENS ... THEN SHUTS, CUTTING OFF COMPUTER BACKGROUND ... MORE FOOTSTEPS ... DATA PUNCH KEYS POUNDED, FROM BEHIND 2ND DOOR ... SCHNEE KNOCKS ON 2ND DOOR ... NO ANSWER, KNOCKS AGAIN

MOTHER:

(FROM BEHIND DOOR) Oh, go butter yer earlobes! Can't you read, ya dumb cluck?! That door says, "Private"!

SCHNEE:

Open up! It's me -- Gervase!

SOUND:

MORE KNOCKING

SCHNEE:

Open up!

MOTHER:

(FROM BEHIND DOOR) Oh, all right, all right! Don't rush me! Don't rush me!

SOUND:

2ND SQUEAKY DOOR OPENS

MOTHER:

Oh, it's you, is it?

SCHNEE:

Let me in.

MOTHER:

Well, hurry up. Don't want any of these nosy scientists around.

SOUND:

SCHNEE'S FOOTSTEPS IN ... 2ND SQUEAKY DOOR CLOSES

MOTHER:

Well, what do you want?

SCHNEE:

(CONTEMPTUOUS) Hmmm. Still the same old place, huh? Tea pot. Your crystal ball has dust on it. And why don't you get yourself a new pack of Gypsy cards? And please get rid of that old, overstuffed horror.

MOTHER:

That old, overstuffed horror is a rare old psychoanalyst's couch. Ya see that hole? That's the original stuffing.

SCHNEE:

But what is that smell? (BEAT, REALIZES) That's not tea you're drinking -- it's gin!

MOTHER:

Why, of course it is. (MORE FRIENDLY) Nice to see ya, sonny. It's about time you came to pay your old mother a visit. (CACKLES) I kinda thought somethin' like this would stir you up.

SCHNEE:

(MORE IN SORROW THAN ANGER) Mother, you know you shouldn't have done it.

MOTHER:

What'd I do?

SCHNEE:

You fixed the prognostications, that's what you did. Although, why you had to pick on me, I'll--

MOTHER:

Well, I got tired of supportin' ya. You're a big boy and it's about time ya earned your own livin'. Besides, I thought it'd be a good idea to elect a sympathetic administration. Sympathetic to me, that is. Palace needs a new ventilatin' system. The air in here is terrible.

SCHNEE:

(EXASPERATED) Well, why didn't you use the Prognosticator to get new ventilation put in?

MOTHER:

Oh, they'd have gotten around it, the same way you got around killin' Kipp. But you pay attention to the Prognosticator, boy. Don't you try to weasel out of what it says by lookin' for double meanin's. It's time you Overlords learned that when the Prognosticator says somethin', it means it!

SCHNEE:

Yes, mother.

MOTHER:

I'd hate to have to give orders to have my own boy disposed of. The last three disposals weren't so bad. But sometimes those disposals can turn out real messy.

SCHNEE:

Yes, mother.

MOTHER:

(SIGHS) Maybe blood is thicker than water, but not much.

SCHNEE:

Yes, mother.

MOTHER:

And why _shouldn't_ you listen to my prognostications, huh? Just because they're dolled up a little doesn't mean they're not true. Don't I have a crystal ball? Don't I have a Gypsy card pack? Don't I have tea leaves? Heh! Best tea leaves money can buy.

SCHNEE:

Yes, mother.

MOTHER:

So -- what are you gonna do?

SCHNEE:

I'm going to have the ventilating system attended to right away.

MOTHER:

That's my boy! Now, look at these here tea leaves in the bottom o' my cup o' gin.

SCHNEE:

Yes, mother.

MOTHER:

I can see that everything is gonna work out fine! Just fine! (CACKLES MERRILY)

MUSIC:

SNEAKS IN DURING ABOVE ... UP FOR FINAL NOTES OF "HOME SWEET HOME" ... FOR A BRIEF FINISH

ANNOUNCER:

You have just heard "X Minus One," presented by the National Broadcasting Company in cooperation with Galaxy Science Fiction Magazine which this month features "The Hardest Bargain" by Evelyn Smith. Galaxy Magazine, on your newsstand today.

Tonight, "X Minus One" has brought you "Man's Best Friend," a story from the pages of Galaxy written by Evelyn Smith and adapted for radio by Ernest Kinoy.

MUSIC:

SNEAKS IN UNDER FOLLOWING--

ANNOUNCER:

Featured in the cast were William Redfield as Schnee, Wendell Holmes as Florea, Santos Ortega as Kipp and Leona Powers as Mother, with Raymond Edward Johnson and Bob Hastings. Your announcer, Radcliff Hall. With this broadcast, "X Minus One" concludes its present series. The show will return to the air on Thursday, June twentieth. Check your local radio listings for the new date and time. That's Thursday, June twentieth. "X Minus One" was directed by Daniel Sutter and is an NBC Radio Network production.

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH ... NBC CHIMES


X Minus One's "How 2"...old time radio offering #1

X Minus One's "Student Body"...old time radio offering #2

X Minus One's "A Gun for Dinosaur"...old time radio offering #3

X Minus One's "Tunnel Under the World"...old time radio offering #4

X Minus One's "Junkyard"...old time radio offering #5

X Minus One's "Marionettes, Inc."...old time radio offering #6

X Minus One's "Skulking Permit"...old time radio offering #7

X Minus One's "Something for Nothing"...old time radio offering #8

X Minus One's "Project Mastodon"...old time radio offering #9

X Minus One's "The Veldt"...old time radio offering #10

X Minus One's "The Coffin Cure"...old time radio offering #11

X Minus One's "The Defenders"...old time radio offering #12

X Minus One's "Knock"...old time radio offering #13

X Minus One's "Protection"...old time radio offering #14

X Minus One's "The Snowball Effect"...old time radio offering #15

X Minus One's "First Contact"...old time radio offering #16

X Minus One's "The Seventh Victim"...old time radio offering #17

X Minus One's "The Haunted Corpse"...old time radio offering #18